Western culture and grief
Death and grief are scary for many. In our Western culture, we are required to silence our grief, forgetting about the past and moving on. Some are content with this practice, believing dwelling on what is no more only brings discomfort and pain and “letting things be” is the solution. And it could be.
Remembering as a counterculture practice
Anthropologist Barbara Myerhoff believes recovering from grief includes integrating the past in our present life “Freud […]suggest that the completion of the mourning process requires that those left behind develop a new reality which no longer includes what has been lost. But…it must be added that full recovery from mourning may restore what has been lost, maintaining it through incorporation into the present. Full recollection and retention may be as vital to recovery and wellbeing as forfeiting memories ” (1982, p. 111).
And as Wingard and Lester (2001) put it, ” Silent cries can go on for years and be heard by no-one. They can eat away at a person’s spirit”, while the story of our past makes us stronger. The narrative approach of remembering, known as “Saying hello again”, is a different way of grieving, a kind of counterculture to our belief of forgetting and moving on. It is about remembering loved ones and carrying their legacy by bringing them along our journey.
Wingard and Lester (2001) speak about remembering loved ones that have past away from the perspective of the Indigenous people of Australia.
” Another aspect of the gathering was to find special ways of remembering – ways of remembering that make it possible for people to see themselves through the eyes of the lost loved one. Recently, I remember speaking to a man who was very angry with his Dad who had died years ago. Gradually we brought his father to our conversations, let him join us, and over time he remembered his father putting his arms around him. There were so many stories that had been forgotten. As this man gradually saw himself through the eyes of his father, he reconnected with his father’s love. As he told the stories of this love, I watched a weight lift from him. It was almost like Mr Anger just jumped out of his body and I was looking at a different person. His expression was so soft as he spoke of wanting to share these stories of his father with his brothers and his sisters. I don’t know where Mr Anger went, but it was beautiful to watch him go.
When we reclaim the stories we want to tell about our lives, when we reconnect with those we have lost, and the memories we have forgotten, then we become stronger. Not only are we telling our stories differently, but we are listening differently too. We are listening for our people’s abilities and knowledges and skills. We’ve [Our people] been knocked so many times that we often don’t think very well of ourselves. But we’re finding ways to acknowledge one another and to see the abilities that people have but may not know they have. Without putting people on pedestals, we are finding ways of acknowledging each others’ stories of survival.”
Remembering in a nutshell
For those of you who are interested in your own journey of remembering a loved one, here are various subjects that could be addressed. It is not important to address each. Rather, concentrate on the ones that speak to you the most. And, of course, this is by no way meant to be a complete list, but rather a suggestion of topics to help you start. Many more could be added.
A list of subjects to start your journey of remembering a loved one
Physical places associated with comfort
Where do I go to find comfort when pain submerges me?
Memories
What memories come to mind when I think of my loved one (those I choose to revisit and those I try to forget)?
Your past experience with grief and loss
What would I like to share about my past experience with grief and loss?
The spiritual
What is grief and death through my spiritual beliefs ?
How do I feel about these beliefs?
Culture
How does my culture address grief ?
How do I feel about these practices?
How do I choose to address my grief?
Different realms of expression
How do I choose to express my grief ?
Life looking different
How is my life now?
Has the loss of my loved influenced my life? In what ways?
Legacy
What legacy has my loved one left me ?
Contributions to each other’s lives
In what ways has my loved one contributed to my life (Eg.: currently, in the past, etc.)
In what ways have I contributed to my loved one’s life ?
Note :
Remembering practices is beneficial whether grief is raw or has been present for some time. But they are beneficial to those that feel ready and accept to engage. It should be suggested rather than imposed (but you already knew that !).
Also, let’s keep in mind it is meant for those that have lost someone that has been good to them while alive.Remembering people that may not have been good to us or were abusive is a little more tricky and requires to be addressed a little differently.
Denborough, D. (2014). Saying hello again when we have lost someone we love. Dans D. Denborough (dir.), Retelling the stories of our lives. Everyday narrative therapy to draw inspiration and transform experience. 1ère éd., 207-242. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Wingard, B., Lester, J. (2001). Telling our stories in ways that makes us stronger. Dulwich Center Publications. Repéré à https://dulwichcentre.com.au/telling-our-stories-in-ways-that-make-us-stronger-by-barb-wingard/
